


So Big/So Small

by boomerbird10



Series: Tiva/Tivali Drabbles [9]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmare, Tivali, Tony isn't really in this cause he's sleeping but, he's around, ya know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:20:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24747463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boomerbird10/pseuds/boomerbird10
Summary: A nightmare prompts Ziva and Tali to have a little ice cream and a much-needed heart-to-heart.
Relationships: Ziva David/Anthony DiNozzo
Series: Tiva/Tivali Drabbles [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1749793
Comments: 7
Kudos: 29





	So Big/So Small

**Author's Note:**

> Title and a few paraphrased quotes borrowed from "So Big/So Small" from the musical Dear Evan Hansen. Part of my friend drabble project for my dear friend Alex!

It's nearing four in the morning when something jolts Ziva awake. The instincts that have served her well for many years are humming, telling her that something is amiss. She doesn't know what it is, but something is _wrong_.

She no longer keeps a gun by her bed—a suggestion from her therapist, who seems to think letting go of that physical safeguard will help her let down her mental barriers, too—but it doesn't matter. Since beginning her training for Mossad nearly two decades ago, she hasn't really _needed_ a weapon.

Ziva David _is_ the weapon, and that's something she'll never grow out of.

She sits up quickly, flicks the bedside light on, and scans the room; nothing seems out of place at all. Tony is sleeping silently beside her, the light no bother to him at all, and his hand is still resting lightly on her thigh. Ziva debates waking him, but there's nothing so far that suggests she's not just being paranoid.

She climbs out of bed and heads for the hall, keeping her eyes and ears alert for any suspicious changes in the Parisian flat Tony and Tali settled into several years ago… and she's only a few steps from the bedroom she shares with Tony when she hears something that sends her running.

"No! No, _Ima_! _Ima_ , please!"

It's Tali.

A second later, Ziva is bursting into Tali's room. Thankfully, it's almost immediately clear what's happening—Tali is still fast asleep, deep in the throes of what appears to be a nightmare. There's no external threat, nothing to fight off; that doesn't stop Ziva's heart from racing for several long moments, however.

She crouches down next to her daughter's bed, hating the sight of the trembling little frown on Tali's face.

" _Ima_ , please don't—please don't, I don't want you to—no, Daddy, please stop her!"

Very concerned, Ziva hastens to wake Tali, being as gentle as possible. She isn't sure exactly what the five-year-old is dreaming of, only that it must be unpleasant. "Tali, little one, open your eyes. It is all going to be alright—wake up now, my love."

It takes a few moments of gentle petting and murmuring, but Tali finally opens her eyes, blinking into the dim light shed by her night light. "Tali, are you alright?" Ziva asks quietly, not wanting to startle the girl.

" _Ima_?" The question is a little disbelieving, its speaker not yet fully awake.

"I am right here," Ziva promises quickly.

" _Ima_!" All at once, Tali's tone of sleepy confusion gives way to sorrow, and she bursts into tears.

Alarmed, Ziva perches on the side of Tali's bed and gathers her daughter into her arms. "Tali, what is the matter? Shush now, _ahava_ , there is nothing to worry about. Take a deep breath, yes? _Ima_ has you now."

Tali doesn't answer and she doesn't immediately calm, but she clutches onto Ziva until her tears slow and then finally stop. "I had a bad dream," she mumbles into Ziva's neck, wiping her wet face on her mother's shirt.

"I thought that might be the case," Ziva shares, kissing Tali's temple and tightening her hold slightly. "Would you like to talk about it?"

Tali shakes her head wordlessly, and Ziva nods. "That is alright. You do not have to say anything."

They sit in silence for a few minutes, and despite what she just told her daughter, Ziva gets concerned when Tali's arms never loosens their hold and the little one never speaks… truly her father's daughter, it's unlike Tali to go for very long without speaking, especially when she's experiencing strong emotions of any kind.

Making the executive decision that one night of poor sleep and excessive sugar intake won't hurt the almost-6-year-old, Ziva gets to her feet, automatically adjusting her hold until Tali's on her hip like she's still a toddler and not a too-quickly growing girl. "Come, Tali-girl. I know just the thing."

Tali lifts her head as they emerge into the hall, her curiosity pushing away her lingering distress for the moment. "Where are we going?" she wants to know.

"Patience! You will see!" There's a smile in Ziva's voice that she's sure Tali can hear even if it's too dark to see, and she gives the girl a little bounce.

When they reach the kitchen, Ziva deposits Tali on the counter. A murmur of "stay here for a moment" and she leaves her daughter's side to dig a pint of ice cream out of the freezer. On her way back, she flips the light on so they can see one another properly.

Tali sees the ice cream, and her face—still heavy and sad—brightens. "Ice cream? At _night!_?"

"Ice cream is good for sadness, yes?" Ziva suggests warmly, pulling out a few spoons and setting them alongside the ice cream tub on the counter next to Tali.

"Hey, that's what _Abba_ says, too!" Tali shares, slightly impressed by her mother's unexpected decision to temporarily abandon healthy eating.

"Who do you think I learned it from?" Ziva teases lightly, hopping up on the counter on the other side of the ice cream. She pulls the top off the tub, hands Tali a spoon, and the two dig into the sweet treat in companionable silence, both swinging their feet lightly against the cabinets below them.

Eventually, Tali speaks, though she doesn't look at Ziva as she does so. "I had a bad dream," she says again.

"Oh?"

"I dreamed that…" Tali pauses and takes a bite of ice cream. After she swallows, she sighs. "I dreamed that you went away again."

There's something heavy in her voice, too heavy for a five-year-old to carry, and it breaks Ziva's heart. "Tali, I would not—"

"I dreamed you didn't want me 'n _Abba_ anymore."

That admission arrests Ziva's voice deep in her throat, and for a moment, she can't answer.

Tali takes another bite of ice cream, staring at the floor.

"Is that what you think?" Ziva asks finally after several tight swallows.

"No," Tali says too quickly.

Ziva sighs, experiencing a sensation that has plagued her since reuniting with her family; it's the feeling that no matter how many steps forward she takes, she'll never stop taking steps back whether she wants to or not.

She slides off the counter and moves to stand in front of Tali, putting a hand under Tali's chin and pulling her small face up until their eyes meet; with her other hand, she gently pries Tali's spoon from her fingers and rests it back in the ice cream tub. "Tali," she murmurs, tired and tender.

"Mm?"

"I need you to understand something. Are you listening to me?"

"Yeah, _Ima_."

"Good girl." Ziva gives her daughter a small smile; it's all she can muster, but it seems to reassure Tali anyway. "I need you to understand, sweet girl, that I _always_ wanted you and _Abba_ … _especially_ when I could not be with you."

"But you weren't here!" Tali protests, her lower lip and chin starting to quiver again. Her eyes glaze over with a new film of yet unshed tears.

"I know, darling. I know. But there was nothing I wanted more than to be here." Until tonight, Ziva had been under the impression that Tali had not questioned her and Tony's _very_ simplified explanation for her long absence, but now it seems that Tali was merely accepting what they said in favor of not disturbing the peace.

It's a choice that no child should ever have to make—something no child should ever have to even consider.

"But _you weren't here_!" Tali repeats, and a few little tears spill from her eyes onto her cheeks. "It doesn't matter if you want us, 'cause you wanted us before and you still went away! I don't want you to leave again!"

Ziva reaches up to swipe the girl's tears away, heartened by the fact that Tali doesn't shrug her off. " _Ahava shelli_ , I think it may be time to tell you more of the story."

"What story?"

"The story of why you went to live with _Abba_ when you were little."

She and Tony discussed this in the very beginning—they talked about what Tali had already been told and how much more—and when—to tell her, but it seems that Tali has her own timeline. It's not fair to avoid answering her questions when being left so entirely in the dark is clearly hurting her.

With that in mind, Ziva starts to talk. She doesn't go into detail, and she still glosses over the darkest parts of the story… but she tells Tali the very basics of what happened. She explains that there was a very bad woman who wanted to hurt them all, and how in order to protect Tali and _Abba_ , Ziva had to run. She tucks Tali's hair behind her little ears and tells her that she never lost hope that she'd be able to come back to her family, that Tali and _Abba_ were in her mind every moment of every day, even as she traversed the globe looking for answers and for help.

Ziva isn't sure how much of the story Tali is really absorbing, but for once in her young life, Tali doesn't interrupt. She just listens, nodding or shaking when she's asked a question but otherwise remaining still and quiet.

When Ziva finishes, she squeezes Tali's little hand, which found its way into her own a few minutes ago. "Does all of that make sense?"

Tali nods, but there's still a small frown furrowing her brow.

"Do you have questions?"

"Yeah. Is she dead? The lady that wanted to hurt us, did she die?"

"Yes, Tali." Oh, how Ziva wishes Tali didn't know what death meant! She won't lie to her daughter, though... not when the question is this straightforward, not when it's this simple and it's an age-appropriate thing to ask.

"So she won't hurt you anymore?"

"No. She will not hurt _anyone_ anymore."

"Did you kill her?"

Ziva swallows, thankful that for now, she doesn't have to look her daughter in the eye and confess to being a killer. "No, I did not." She doesn't add that she would have done so without hesitation had Gibbs not taken the shot he took, though.

Tali seems to accept this, and Ziva takes the break in her daughter's questioning to reinforce an idea. "Do you see now, however, that I would never be parted from you if I did not have to be?"

"Yeah," Tali agrees, and now it sounds like she means it.

Ziva draws her into another hug, relishing in the feel of her daughter's small head resting once more on her bosom. Ziva will never tire of that, nor will she take it for granted. "Good," she murmurs into Tali's ear. "Because I will never leave you again. _Never_. There is not a force in the world strong enough to pull me from your side—no matter what. I am not going anywhere; I will stay right here. _No matter what_ , I will be _here_ , where I belong: with you."

She can feel Tali smile. "Promise, _Ima_?"

"I promise. I will hold you whenever you need me to—when it all feels so big, until it all feels so small. I love you more than you will ever understand."

"I love you, too." There's a pause, and then Tali's head pops back up, a grin on her face that Ziva wasn't expecting. " _Ima_?"

"Yes?"

"Can we finish the ice cream now?"

Ziva laughs, extraordinarily glad that Tali is appeased enough to have moved on entirely. "Yes. But you must promise not to tell _Abba_ that we did. He will tickle us mercilessly if he finds that we finished his favorite Moose Tracks without letting him help, yes?"

Tali mimes zipping her lips and throwing away the lock.

"That is my girl," Ziva says warmly, and she hands Tali her spoon again.

Tali won't always be so easily placated, Ziva knows… but for now, it's enough to sit side-by-side on the counter again, eating an unreasonable amount of sugar. It's enough to believe for a moment, as Tali does, that the world is simple and black and white and that asking a few questions can solve any problems. It's enough to experience this little slice of life that Ziva came so close to losing entirely...

No, that's not quite right.

It's _more_ than enough.


End file.
